not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
