i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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