my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
