I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
