the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
