you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
