Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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