Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
