Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
