So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
