My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
