How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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