I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
