thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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