You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
