i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
