I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
