eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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