So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
