I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
