Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
