I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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