I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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