I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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