FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
