okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
