i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
