Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
