Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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