Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
