Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
