i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
