yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
