i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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