I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
