...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
