I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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