i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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