Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
