I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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