i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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