He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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