This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
So squirting runs in the family.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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