This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
