So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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