I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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