I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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