I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
