So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
