the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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